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haha. since today is the 13th of Friday, i guess ill talk more rubbish. haha. this blog is just to entertain you folks!

well, first things first, let me start by telling you guys a moral story:

Green Man Joke

There was this green man, and everything about him was green. he was the guy who started off with the 'go green' campaign aroung the world. one day, he finished his work early, then he took his green jacket with him and left in his gren car. when he reached his greenhouse, he opened his green door, closed the green door, and began to undress himself to take a bath. he took his green towel, went into his green bathroom, when all of a sudden, his green dorbell rang. he used his green towel to wrap himself and went to open the door. when he opened the door, he saw a lady. the lady was about to speak when all of a sudden a gust of wind blew and it blew off his green towel. the lady say what was beneath the towel and screamed. she immediately scrambled out of the green driveway onto the road, and was knocked down by a fast speeding car.

Moral of the story?

Do not cross the road when the Green Man is Flashing.

haha. i know many of you people out there have already seen or heard about this joke. haha. but well, it struck me alot as that scenario is seriously possible. it is also possible to be rammed by a soccer ball, not only that, but also at point blank range. haha. according to one of my reports, it seemed that there were 3 casualties that happened today, all 3 being innocently hit by a speeding soccer ball. so moral of the story? do not kick balls hard lest you injure yourself. XD. naa.. i am just kidding. well, i gues that must be all the so called ' bad things' that should happen today because it is Friday the Thirteenth. so sorry Esmond, so sorry Shafiq, and so sorry another anonymous person. haha. XD

i was reading up on the notes found in my laptop computer when i kind of came across this kind of 'suicide' note which i placed in my computer. i was pretty shocked at what i wrote, and the date that i wrote it was not too long ago as well. the letter reads:

FEELINGS
Home? what is the defination of home? To many it may mean the presence of a nice family to take care of the young ones, to others it may just seem to be a place where one can find warmth and comfort. however, to me i feel that home is just a place where one eats, and sleeps. Why is this so?

it somehow puzzles me when i specify home as a place where i eat and sleep as i look at my past photos with my family when i was on vacation to other countries, like for example japan or recently, vietnam. to see my smiling face in the photo, it somehow contradicts how i feel some of the days when i get into quarrels with my family. i feel alienated, i feel tired, i feel disliked and abandoned by them. there is an incident today that my father had scolded me at night, saying that i was just 'being selfish'. being me, i have always tried to understand what others feel, and try my utmost best to be able to meet their needs by means of peace. however, some of these times really stress me up the wall. like when i was trying to bring up a conversation topic with them, instead of expecting them to laugh, i end up with a: 'why you do this? why you do that? how can you be so careless?' upon looking back at the past year experiences since i started pri school, i would question myself, is this how modern day families treat their young? if so then why do they do so? my father normally comes up with the excuse, saying: i am your coach, i do not encourage, instead i tell you to do this you jolly well do it! to me it is nothing but a threat. today i was commenting on how sleepy i was during drum lessons. upon telling them that, i was 'hantumed' by a flurry of questions that followed suit and that leaved me in a state of shock and utmost regret that i actually spoke to them. everytime i speak to them it will always end up with me getting 'owned' by both parents and i feel really really upset. so i decided to myself, in order not to make both parties upset, why not i try not to talk to them as much as i use to when i was a kid in primatry school? at that time i was only a little kid, not really understanding. whatever my parents say i just follow. but however the case now is different, i feel that if i were to follow my parents, to me it will be the case of 'the blind leading the blind'. somehow, i feel that my parents are wrong in certain cases, and i try to tell them that, but it will end up in cases like for example, my mother will say: 'i am your mother, i am older than you, i got more experience, so shut up!' or my father, :' why dont you just listen to both of us and ull get it right? you are SERIOUSLY not talking logic'. these few words that they spoke seriously broke my heart. from then on my relationship with my parents have not been as great as then when i was a kid. is this because i am not walking in the ways of the Lord? and God is punishing me for all the wrongdoings i have done since i was a kid? or is this the fault of my attitude? whether i am not sensitive enough to their feelings? i admit i am not on very good terms with my parents, but however i feel that that does not mean that i do not sense their feelings. after all they are human beings. even Jesus who came down to earth screamed when the nails pierced his hands. if Jesus has feelings when he was considered a mortal, then obviously us humans sure have feelings as well, whether we know it or not. but when i want to try to tell them they shun me off. to them maybe its not considered shunning, but rather the way they communicate with me that really gets me on my nerves. some of the days i look down my 8 storey building and think: why dont i just jump down and die? like that the whole world will be pleased with me. thinking of mi parents tears flowing like a river over my grave seemed to being mi plenty of pleasure. but i didnt jump, because of two reasons:
1) friends

2) my brother, matthew and all the friends he has.
to me, my brother is the only one who has ever been able to communicate with me really well, it may be due to the age gap, it may not be due to the age gap, but however what he talks brings sense to me. i dont really approve of his hard ways of learning, but i know through experiences that he really is a nice person. last time he used to bully me, but after i screamed and shout out all mi anxienties in my heart, he decided not to continue with it anymore. and so now we are together again XD. thats the only happy time i have with my family. i would not leave the house for any family outings for fear that i will start up another debate, unless my brother was around in the car. although the age gap is around 7 years difference, i understand him and he understands me.

my friends are another factor why i still consider living. they may be a bunch of bullies at times, but they are there when i am in distress. i vaguely recall the incident when my parents said i was changing, i was so upset i logged onto msn messenger. i talked to the first person i saw on the list : ismail, who is my secondary school classmate. i voiced out to him, and asked him: hey ismail, am i changing? he replied: you are maturing,yes,but not changing to the extent whereby your whole attitude changes. i am here for you, thats what friends are for. that phrase really touched my heart. at the start of sec 3 i considered ismail as a nuisance as i didnt really like him. but after he said that, i immediately have a changed spirit towards friends. to me, normally i would carry me and my friends weight on my shoulder, trying to help them as much as i can so that they will be happy. to me, if they are happy, i am happy as well. i always thought of dying an unsung hero's death: die without any recognition, without anyone noticing, without any tearshed or so. that would be ideal for me as i though that if i were to die and people were to cry for me, i will really feel bad leaving them on this miserable earth. that i really cant bear to do. i read a manga, its called Bleach . this character puts all the weight of protecting the world on himself that he doesnt consider the feelings of his best friends, or Nakama , as they call it in japanese. i feel like that person. i dont really know if its selfish on my part, or im being selfless. not too long ago there was an incident in my tuition class. one of the boys was talking about using girls as sex tools. and the girls, being my classmates for over 2 years, didnt really liked it and voiced it out on me, calling mi a 'coward' that i didnt try to protect them. however, the guy whom i know happened to be an ex ACS(J) boy. so who do i protect here? mi 2 years of relation classmates, or the ex acs(j) guy whom i know so well? i know that what he said was bad, but the girl suggested that if he ever spoke another word of sex she will punch him. so one is aggressive in words, another physical aggression. so what do i do? im stuck in a dilemma between two worlds. sometimes i really like being the middleman, sometimes i dont. in this case i didnt want to destroy any feelings, so i just did what i thought was right, tell the guy off. however i believe it was a bit too late for my friendship with the girls whom i know so well since sec 2 to ever be ok again, as i know they will consider me as a 'coward'. thats why i dont really talk to them as often as i do for fear of being scoffed and made fun of by them. furthermore i want them to have a nice year so i thought by getting rid of mi presence from them maybe ill be able to not attract their attention. i hope what i am doing is right and just, as i dont want to make the wrong choice and end up hurting another fellow. this wil lseriously end up with me having more pain and guilt.

to me, i find that although i have these 2 problems, but these are solvable, and are nothing compared to the problems i face with my parents. i dont really know why. whenever i try my best to try and talk to them, it will end up with something bad. do they always think of me as being EVIL???? i used to like playing around with words, like if u flip the word evil u get live. is my life on the world evil to them? why am i even born to this earth if i were to cause so much pain and suffering to my fellow friends, relatives and classmates etc etc? i might as well not be born at all! i remember the case of the ACS(J) boy VS the girls in my tuition. my mother caught me talking to the girl on the house phone at around 11 at night. she questioned me and knew about the situation. one thing that really got me on my nerve was the face that she said: why do you even bother? dont care la! its none of your BUSINESS! to me that is the most, MOST retarded and irresponsible answer i have ever heard in my life. being close to the acs(j) person, i have a 40% possibility of stopping him, but if i do not say, the chances of him continuing with his talk is 100%. and he will end up making the girls in the class angry. i really think my parents are irresponsible at times, but i cant really say that that is totally true to me, as during my exam periods, my mother will wake up specially early in the morning to make bfast for me, and my father will drive me to school etc etc. all these, arent they acts of love? to outsiders it will seem as so. my father use to drive me around for tuitions and school, before and after. i used to grumble that he always take so long to arrive in school, and that will result in him blurting and blasting at me, saying: i still have work in office you know? take time to drive you around not too bad already. see other people? take bus need to sit in the bus for so long. fine la! i take bus home everyday. and that resulted in ANOTHER problem. when they wanted to drive me home, i told them: no need. WHY DONT WANT AH? ISSIT COS GOT GIRLFRIEND OR SOMETHING? TAKE CAR FASTER LAR!!!!!! SIT CAR FASTER! CALL MUM( if she is nearby or vice versa in the case of dad) SHE WILL COME AND PICK YOU UP! *beep beep beep*...... to me i find that seiously irritating. being scolded for being impatient with them, and when i dun want to cause them any anxiety they want me to take the car back with them. to them it may seem convienient, but to me i find that sitting in the bus, putting on mi mp3 earpieces and listening to music is indeed nice and soothing after a hard day work at school. but all these is spoiled by 2 naggy parents. sometimes i really feel like stressing and screaming and shouting out all my flowery vocabularies i learnt in ACS(I) at them for being such a nuisance, but for respect, as the Bible says: honour your father and your mother, i tried my very best to ignore their words. they will normally end of by saying: all this is for your OWN good when you grow up. whats for my own good? beatings? scoldings? insults? do i take them all and pass them onto the 2nd generation? HELL NO!!!!! i dont want the 2nd generation of young ones to feel how it is like to be in my position. i may be saying this now, but as time passes, ill find myself slowly following the footsteps of my father. time has the last laugh on all human beings.

i guess i cant really change how my parents treat me, ill have to bear with it till they have passed on. then i guess ill come with another decision with my life after they are gone, maybe begin on a better life or so...

Marcus

(Do we have a negative side to all our feelings? one that resides in our soul?)

well, when i read the letter which was typed by my own hands, i was seriously shocked at the aggresive nature that was inscribed in it. i believe that at that time, maybe because of my parents being too grumpy, and that was the reason that sparked off the flurry of words.

oh wells, it seemed that for me, my greatest way to remove anger is by expressing myself in words, since nobody can understand me unless i type things out. haha. and yea.. we ALL do have a so called 'Hollow' in us, which is the evil side that resides in our body. do you want to control it? or it control you? the choice is yours. i am saying this because it is Friday 13th, and well, it is named the unlucky week. i am very sure you do not want to lose control of yourself today and start yelling and scolding anyone. so yea. do give in sometimes when people scold you. i want to change history of Friday 13th from a superstitious belief in bad things, into something which is more pleasant. XD

oh wells, guess thats all i have to say for now, cheerios! XD